A trauma-informed approach to parenting.
Many parents turn to reward systems to manage challenging behaviours. While rewards may seem like a quick fix, they often fail to address the root cause of the behaviour, especially for neurodivergent children or those with a trauma history.
Why rewards don't work (and can actually harm)
Rewards can be problematic because they:
- Fail to address underlying needs: Challenging behaviours are often a way for children to communicate unmet needs or distress. Rewards simply mask the problem without addressing the underlying cause.
- Increase shame: For children who struggle with automatic or impulsive behaviours, rewards can create a sense of shame and failure when they can't meet the requirements. This can lead to a negative cycle of feeling ‘not good enough’.
- Diminish intrinsic motivation: Over-reliance on rewards can undermine a child's internal motivation to do things for the sake of enjoyment or a sense of accomplishment.
Understanding your child's behaviour
For neurodivergent children and those with trauma histories, behaviours are often survival strategies or responses to sensory overload or emotional dysregulation.
Instead of focusing on rewards, consider these trauma-informed approaches.
- Build connection and safety: Create a safe and nurturing environment where your child feels seen, heard, and understood. Prioritise connection and attachment through quality time and emotional attunement.
- Focus on co-regulation: Help your child learn to regulate their emotions by modeling safe ways to express and process their emotions, and offering support during challenging moments. Teach them regulation ideas like deep breathing or moving their bodies.
- Meet needs proactively: Identify your child's triggers and needs. Proactively address these needs to prevent meltdowns or challenging behaviours. This might involve sensory breaks, predictable routines, or clear communication.
Shifting the narrative
Try these strategies:
- Relational gestures: Show your child unconditional love and acceptance, even after challenging behaviours. Repair any ruptures in the relationship with warmth and understanding.
- Positive language: Use encouraging and strengths-based language. Focus on effort and progress rather than perfection.
- Indirect praise: Offer subtle and genuine praise that focuses on the process or specific actions rather than general traits.
- Presence and connection: Be present with your child and build a strong connection through shared activities and meaningful conversations.
Remember, you're not alone. Parenting neurodivergent children and those with trauma histories can be challenging. We’re here to help you, through our free resources but also our training courses, membership Hub for parents or through individual support.
Ready to ditch the rewards and create a more connected and supportive relationship with your child? If the answer is yes, our individual support and parent coaching sessions are here to help.
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