When things are difficult we want change and ideally right away!
I understand that (because I’ve been there) but unfortunately when our children are struggling it’s not very often we can make changes at the flick of a switch. None of us can. It takes time and effort from us as the parents to change things and that isn’t easy.
One part of Connective Parenting NVR that parents might have heard of is the announcement. As soon as they hear about it they want to do it, thinking that it will change everything. It can be very effective but it can also be very shaming and punitive.
At Connective Family we don’t recommend doing it very early on, but focusing on building the relationship first and it’s actually something we rarely use as we focus on regulation and connection, and through that we see positive changes.
What is the Announcement?
The Announcement is a letter that is written to the child and delivered to them by the parents. It’s a clear, firm, yet caring letter that shows your child that you love them, whilst also making it clear that a particular behaviour must stop. In it we also include a behaviour that, as parents, we are going to stop as well. We have to be honest here because many of us know that at times we don’t help the situation. For example, I can shout when my son is escalating. I know I shouldn’t but at times I just can’t stop myself. I’m not perfect despite having used Connective Parenting NVR for a long time. I do always make sure I apologise and repair afterwards though.
How does it work?
The letter is not about shaming the child, or punishing them, but making it clear that things need to, and will be, changing.
The letter is hugely empowering for the parents and increases the sense of authority within the family.
Planning and preparation are key for the Announcement. When it’s written in a rush, or done at the wrong time (like in the heat of the moment) it won’t work. It needs to be done when things are calm (or at least calm-ish) and you have had time to prepare it.
The way the letter is written, the language used and style of communication needs to work for your child. There’s no point using words they won’t understand.
The structure can vary a little but it includes:
- An opening sentence where you tell your child what you like about them.
- The first statement saying what you’ll will stop doing as parents.
- The second statement clearly telling your child what behaviour needs to stop (1 behaviour, not a whole list).
- The third statement telling them which supporters are going to help you with this change and reminding them you are all working on this together.
- An ending statement looking towards the future.
You’re going to read it out to them, so if it’s too long they will stop listening and it can end up sounding more like a lecture.
We only deliver an announcement once for a behaviour. If the behaviour continues we move on to do a ‘Sit In’, which can be repeated if necessary. We also suggest only working on one behaviour at a time and not doing several on different behaviours at the same time. It’s also important to keep focusing on all the relationship aspects of the approach whilst you're doing this.
Done well, and at the right time, the Announcement is a powerful way for parents to actively resist the behaviours and show the child that things need to change. Done at the wrong time and it won’t be as effective.
If you’re thinking about delivering an announcement or struggling with your child’s behaviour, we’re here to help if you’d like us to.
Our individual support sessions are a great opportunity to work through the issues and get personal support. Get in touch, we’d love to help.
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