One of the biggest and most debated questions I hear from parents and professionals alike is this: “What do I do about consequences?”
Whether it’s in our membership groups, one-to-one work with families or chats with social workers, this topic always sparks strong opinions
So let’s talk about it - about what works, what doesn’t and what might help shift things for you and your child.
Understanding where we’re coming from
First things first: your approach to consequences is shaped by your upbringing, your environment and your past experiences. That’s totally normal. But sometimes, those patterns don’t serve us or our children well - especially when we’re parenting neurodivergent children or those with trauma or attachment needs.
You might find some of what I share challenging and maybe you’ll find yourself triggered by it. If so, take a breath. This is a space for growth and reflection, not judgement.
Discipline vs punishment
The word discipline means ‘to teach,’ not ‘to punish’. Yet so often consequences are used as punishments. I used to do it too - time-out, grounding, threats. But what I’ve learned through years of parenting and working with families is that these strategies often don’t work. They might stop a behaviour in the moment, but they rarely lead to long-term change.
The three types of consequences (and why they may not help)
1. Illogical consequences
These are often arbitrary and disconnected from the behaviour - “If you’re rude to your brother, you’re not going to the party.” It’s easy to fall back on these, especially when we’re stressed. But they don’t help a child learn to manage their emotions or actions. Instead, they often fuel resentment and confusion.
2. Logical consequences
These are more closely linked to the behaviour - “You threw the controller, so you can’t play Xbox.” They sound better in theory, but still often miss the mark. Why? Because they don’t teach emotional regulation. For neurodivergent children especially, the leap from “I was angry and threw the controller” to “I shouldn’t do that again” isn’t always straightforward.
3. Natural consequences
These happen on their own - like refusing to wear a coat and then getting cold. They can be powerful teachers, but only if we avoid the dreaded “I told you so.” Let the experience do the teaching and be there to support your child without shame or blame.
What if we focused on outcomes instead?
Rather than asking, “What consequence should I give?”, try asking, “What outcome do I want?” That shift in perspective can change everything.
Do you want your child to stop shouting when they lose a game? To be able to play nicely with their friends? To manage transitions without meltdowns?
Focusing on the outcome helps you guide your child towards something, not just punish them for what went wrong.
How do we get to that outcome?
Here are a few tools that can help:
Realistic expectations
Is your child just being a child? Loud play and strong emotions are normal. Sometimes the problem isn’t the behaviour, it’s our expectation of it.
Model emotional expression
Let your child see you managing your emotions. “I’ve had a stressful day, so I’m going to take a walk to clear my head.” That shows them it’s okay to feel big things and how to handle them safely.
Collaborate with your child
Instead of banning the Xbox, ask, “How can we help you enjoy gaming without it ending in frustration?” Sit with them. Help them regulate. Offer tools like deep breathing or something to squeeze. Show them you’re on their side.
Have the hard conversations
Talk with them, not at them, about what happened. “I noticed you were really upset earlier. Do you want to talk about it?” Avoid shaming. Be curious and open.
Apologise when you get it wrong
We all lose it sometimes. The power of an honest apology - “I was unfair,” or “I shouted and I’m sorry” - cannot be overstated. It builds trust and models accountability.
Reflecting on our own role
Finally, ask yourself: Is what I’m doing helping my child learn and grow? If the answer is no, it’s okay to change tack. You’re not failing, you’re evolving.
Remember, parenting this way won’t change things overnight. But stick with it and it pays off.
The harbour walls analogy
I often talk about being our child’s harbour walls - the steady, reliable presence that holds them safe when the sea gets stormy. That’s what we’re aiming for.
Consequences might feel like we’re doing the ‘right thing’, but if they’re not working, it’s time to try something different. Connection, support and emotional teaching create long-term change.
If you’re thinking about delivering an announcement or struggling with your child’s behaviour, we’re here to help if you’d like us to.
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